Why Can't I Get This Written?

For two years I've been trying to write a piece about my dad. And for some reason, I can't get it written. Everything I've written comes off fake. Or makes him sound like a saint, and as much as I loved him, he wasn't.

He wasn't a bad person. He was human. He had a horrible temper, held grudges far longer than he should have, and could terrify you with a look. But he also loved his children--biological and stepchildren. He wasn't always fair, but he did love us.

His grandchildren were the light of his life. One of the biggest regrets I have is that he didn't see my boys much. We lived quite a distance away. And after he got sick with cancer, he didn't feel up to the trip or the chaos a visit would bring if we made the trip. Cancer sucks. It's one of the few diseases where the treatment poisons your body so much that it can sap your will to live.

My dad fought it, but he'd had so many other health problems and eventually he lost the fight. And he held on for his wife and kids. Until we gave him permission to let go. I miss him more than I can say.

He taught me to work with wood. We'd build things together. I love the smell of fresh cut lumber. I sometimes wander the lumber store just to bring back those memories. I learned to change oil, change brake shoes, and clean battery connections from him, too. I've helped him haul wood, herd cattle (a comedy, trust me) and work in his garden. He taught me to shoot guns, fish, dress dove. All those things a daddy might teach a boy, if he'd had one. But Dad had me, my sister and married a woman with two daughters. Poor man!

Well, look here! I actually managed to write a little about him. Huh. Who knew? Maybe I was trying too hard. Anyway, thanks for reading and please feel free to comment and/or share.

If You See Your Twin

If you see your twin, tell her she is never far from my thoughts. Tell her I love her, cherish her and mourn her.

If you see your twin, tell her that you have been loved and cherished. Tell her you are intelligent, loving, and beautiful. Tell her I didn’t let you know about her until now. I didn’t want you to feel less than complete, less perfect.

If you see your twin, tell her I’m sorry I couldn’t fight harder for her. Sorry she’ll never get the chance to grow and learn. To love. Tell her I’d love to have seen her and held her. Tell her I wanted her to survive. I mourn her. I rejoice for her. She is free.

If you see your twin, you will know as only a twin can. She’ll be the life-force in someone or something you love and connect with as you are connected with her. She’s a part of you. A part of me. She may be a butterfly, a flower, a child, a friend. Only you will know as only a twin can, that it is her.

I mourn her.

I rejoice for her.

I love her.

I love you.

(Copyright 2008, Linda Rosendale)