Wednesday, July 2, 2014

A Typical Summer Morning

4:00 A.M. My husband's alarm STARTS ringing. Every 15 minutes thereafter, it rings and he hits snooze. 
I should buy a sledgehammer. 
5:30 A.M. My twins are "quietly" talking and doing construction in their room. 
I really love my kids. 
I should buy melatonin. 
6:00 A.M. "Mom, Mom, Mom, he won't give me the remote!"
"He's lying! It's MY turn! Mom, Mom, are you even listening?!"
I have one eye partially open watching the coffee pot. I should buy earplugs. 
6:30 A.M. My oldest child wakes up, slams into my chair, causes my coffee to spill in my lap. "Sorry, Mom."
I should buy burn cream.
6:45 A.M. "You boys need to have breakfast and take your medicine."
Silence and no movement. 
"And what do you want?"
I hate these cartoons and video games. 
I should disconnect cable. 
7:00 A.M. "What do you want for breakfast because we need to take medicine and if you don't eat you are not going to have your medicine on time and then I have to deal with you bouncing off the walls and I really do not want to do that and OUCH who left the Legos on the floor?!?"
I should buy steel toed boots. 
7:30 A.M. Finally, the boys are eating breakfast! 
"Mom! He looked at me, really he did, he looked right at me and made a face."
"Mom. Mom. Mom. He pointed at me with the BAD finger! MOM!"
"Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it now!!"
I should buy wine.  
8:00 A.M. "I'm going to get a shower. Do NOT: open the door, stand on the furniture, stand on each other, jump on or off the furniture, jump on or off each other, touch each other; hit, kick, look at, breathe on, or point at each other."
"What Mom?"
I should buy a case of wine. 
8:15 A.M. I step out of the shower, with shampoo dripping in my eyes, grab a towel and clutch it around me as I run to investigate the screams and crashes coming from the family room. 
I should get rid of the furniture and pad the walls. 
8:20 Shampoo has dried in my hair and my eyesight has been permanently damaged from the shampoo. 
I should buy dry shampoo. And call the eye doctor. 
8:30 I get the boys dressed, tell them to get in the van. We have to go to the bank, grocery store and to pay the water bill. They fight all the way to the bank. The bank is 10 minutes from my house. 
I need a soundproof glass behind the front seat...or earplugs. I need to call the car dealership. 
9:00 Bank trip done, bill paid. Next stop, grocery store. I remind the boys that we're on a budget and must stick to the list. 
Add a case of wine to the list. 
10:00 No less than three dozen fights separated in the grocery store, a cart full of groceries and one exhausted mom later; shopping done. 
When did I put ten boxes of cookies in the cart?! Ah, there's the wine!
11:00 Groceries put away, children ready for lunch and quiet time. 
I forgot to buy the earplugs. But I've got wine!

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